The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 1/Transcript
['''Scene': Night time shot of the tops of buildings and the stars in the sky.]'' Narrator: Previously on Futurama. :is heard and the city is shaking. A tear works its way across the night sky. :Credits. Caption: The Proud Result Of Prison Labor.'' :the end of the credits, the commonly shattered Jumobotron allows the Planet Express Ship to pass through it. A black and white animation and harmonious whistling, similar to that of Steamboat Willie appears. The Planet Express Ship is flying, propelled by Zoidberg whoops while running on a steamboat wheel chasing a fish attached to a rod that is fashioned to his head. Leela is whistling while steering the ship. Fry and Bender are dancing to the rhythm of the song then Bender knocks Fry out of the picture with his hip. A crash is heard. :['''Screen':"MATTHEW GROENING presents a "FUTURAMA" SOUND CARTOON! THE BEAST WITH A BILLION BACKS!" Fry and Bender stand on either side of the frame.]'' :out from previous screen to see it is on the Jumbotron. Normal theme music resumes and the Planet Express Ship smashes out of the screen. :[Scene: Shot of the anomaly, pulling back down to an establishing shot of Planet Express. Interior shot: Hermes, Professor, Bender and Leela are sitting on the couch and Zoidberg is laying on the ground, all watch the TV.]'' Morbo: It has now been one month since space ripped open like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted. :McDoogal, Mayor Poopenmeyer and Randy are pointing at the anomaly, all screaming. The stop, yawn and then begin screaming again. Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be? Professor: Somewhere between not at all and entirely. Zoidberg: I call entirely. springs up, flipping the table upside down and knocking food and beverages all over the four on the couch. He whoops and scuttles his way out of the room. Morbo: Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion gruesome death awaits us all! Linda: And now with sports, here's Sportsbot 5000. :introduction to Sports is shown. Sportsbot 5000: All sports cancelled. :shot of Planet Express. Two doors slide open in the Observatory. Kif, Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela and Professor are standing near the opening. Professor: To better understand the anomaly, I will now focus its radiation on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens. Giant medium-sized ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup. Professor: Quiet, you. pulls a switch down. A giant magnifying glass focuses a beam of light from the anomaly onto Farnsworth's head. His forehead to the tip of his upper lip is blasted by fire. Farnsworth screams and Leela sighs and flips the switch to "off." She pulls out a fire extinguisher and puts out the Professor's head. :enters the room with a woman. Fry: Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen. ALL: Hello! Amy: I like your shoes. Bender (Laughing): This is awkward. Introducing your new girlfriend to Chesty McNag-nag. Leela: Oh, don't mind him. I'II turn him off. Bender: Hey, you can't (voice slowing)turn me off... Leela: Hi. I'm Leela. Colleen: Hi, Leela, hi, everyone. Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat? Professor: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes. picks up a stack of pancakes with Fry's blood acting as a syrup. Fry: Well, got to skedoodle-oodle. We're taking a cuddle-cab to Hug-a-Bunny Village. two kiss, then exit the room. :to Zoidberg who throws up into two buckets. One ends up with frogs and lilies in it while the other has starfish and a shark. Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs. Leela: It is pretty sickening. Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met. :silhouettes sit on a bench in a park under a hover bridge. A front view shows these two people are Fry and Zoidberg. Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet? Fry: Well... :to Fry and Colleen standing next to each other in a crowd of people staring at the anomaly on a Jumbotron. Fry: Something about seeing it on the Jumbotron makes it so much more real. :of the Jumbotron showing the anomaly directly below the real anomaly. Back to Fry and Colleen. Colleen: It's so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole universe is coming to an end? Fry: I have a thought. to the two of them in bed, both smiling. Fry blows a bubble with his gum and it pops around his mouth. :back to the Observatory. Leela turns Bender back on. Bender: This is gonna be juicy. What? Oh, man! Amy: Speaking of sappy love... Want to tell them, Kiffy? Kif: Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I... That is, we... Oh, I'm just so excited. Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru. hugs Kif. Zoidberg: Mazel tov! Professor: Wonderful! :all happily crowd around, but then show they are confused. Hermes: What the hell does that mean? Kif: It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony. Amy: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of. Kif: Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever. Bender: gasps. That's even more awkward than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other. Count me in. turns Bender off again. He falls to the floor in a static pose. :shot of the ship approaching Amphibios 9. It lands on what appears to be a landing pad, but it turns out the be a large Venus Fly Trap. :['''Scene': "WONG/KROKER FONFON RUBOK CEREMONY." Zapp is drinking something, Mr. and Mrs. Wong impatiently stand with bugs around them. One of Kif's species expands his head, like a balloon, and lets it deflate repeatedly. Bagpipes are playing. Kif and Amy walk up to Mr. and Mrs. Wong.]'' Kif: Mr. And Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family? Mr. Wong: You can't borrow money. Mrs. Wong: Kif's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs? squashes a bug on her neck Kif: Mrs. Wong, no. The finial stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father. :mess of bugs assembles into a clustered sphere. A hand is formed and shakes Mr. and Mrs. Wong's hands. Mr. Kroker: Welcome. Mrs. Wong: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh? Mr. Kroker: That was my left testicle. Bender: of the conversation And the awkward meter goes up another notch. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding... :['''Scene': Fry and Colleen are drinking under a heavy green glow. The rocks and trees have moss on them and the bodies of green liquid give off a green mist.]'' Fry: Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful in the light of the swamp gas. Colleen: Thanks. This is really fun. I love going to exotic worlds and getting hammered. Fry: Me, too. Bartender: Two more Harvey Wallclimbers. drops a frog in each, the beverage begins to react with it and overflow. :to an animation of Pong played with a wall. Pull out to reveal Leela is playing it on her Wristlojackimator. Zapp: Leela, I can't help but notice you're unescorted. Might I escort you behind that bush for the next five minutes? Leela: Nothing would revolt me more. Zapp: Then how about that shrub? :to everybody standing by a mud pond. Kif: Ooh! Rubok is begun. :Grand Midwife raises out of the mud. Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Priestess. Fry: Aren't you also the Grand Midwife? Grand Midwife: And the grand Lunch Lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kif of the clan Kroker, please transcend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru. Kif: What? Grand Midwife: Get in the mud. This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. swirls her staff around in the mud and pushes on Amy's and Kif's forehead, leaving a mark of mud. As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker. :taps the ground twice with her staff and mud shoots up into the air in front of Amy and Kif. Everybody gets showered in mud, Amy and Kif are completely covered. Amy: Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it. :man that was acting like a balloon where they first arrived pops and turns into a colony of flying hook worms. Grand Midwife: Is the best man present? Zapp: Guilty as charged. Grand Midwife: Kindly hose the couple. :grabs a hose, struggles with it, and then washes Kif's face off. Next he washes Amy's chest off. Grand Midwife: up a snake. As it was, so it is. You may now eat the snake. two grab, then take a bite of the snake. If you so choose. both spit it out. It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet. :pulls the bouquet out of his lower abdomen and holds it up. He throws it behind him and Colleen catches it. Her and Fry stare into each others eyes and smile. Zoidberg is included in the moment and he walks up to them, leaning on their shoulders. Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? devours the bouquet in Colleen's hands. :['''Scene': Fry is in his apartment doing his hair. He grabs a comb full of Barb-O-Mite and pushes it through his hair. A sound is heard, similar to the sound an electric razor makes, and fry's hair snaps back to normal.]'' Bender: the living room couch Fry, run, run. Get over here, oh, my God, oh, my God! Fry: What? What is it? Bender: Shut up already! Calculon's on TV! :scene from All My Circuits. Calculon walks up to a house with Monique. Monique: I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime. Calculon: I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door. :rings the doorbell and the door opens. Human Friend: Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon. Calculon: Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique? Monique: I tried to, but I couldn’t. Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers! Bender: How's Calculon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? Fry? Fry: his tie in the mirror Don't know, Bender. Tonight's my big date with Colleen. I got to run. Bender: But me and you like to watch together. Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbage, right? :walks out of the apartment. Bender places the cabbage down on a white t-shirt and draws Fry's face on it. After a moment, he punches the cabbage to a pulp. :['''Scene': St. Asimov's Day Festival. Fry and Colleen enter the 2D Tunnel of Love.]'' Ride Barter: Step right up to the 2D Tunnel of Love. Not one, not three, but two glorious dimensions for the price of a single ticket. and Colleen are sitting in a ride car. Keep your hands in the car, shut up, and have fun. :two are zapped down to two dimensions and move sideways along the ride. Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2D. Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment. of Colleen as a line segment. Fry: A really hot line segment. So, listen, sweetie pie, I was thinking maybe we should take this to the next step. Colleen: Really? Fry: Yes. Colleen...will you be moved in with by me? Colleen: (SOFT GASP) :speaking at once Amy: Way to go. Zoidberg: Hooray, hooray. Leela: That's great. :steps forward Bender: You're moving in with her? Why can't she move in with us? curls into a ball at Fry's feet. I could just curl up at the foot of the bed. (WHIMPERING) :enters Professor: Listen up, everyone. I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly. Hermes: The what? Oh, right. Professor: But there's good news! We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference. :Leela, Zoidberg and Amy scream. Bender screams in front of everybody else. :PE Ship flies across the sky, in front of the Anomaly and lands behind the Institute for Advanced Book Learning. Man walking on screen: ...like a city made of marshmallow. :[Scene: The crew walk into the building through the front doors, many people are standing around talking. A banner with "SPACENOMALY '08" is hanging from the ceiling. Stephen Hawking's head descends from above.]'' Stephen Hawking's head: Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way-cool rocket. Leela (embarrassed): Black hole Hawking? Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you I would have done something with my hair. plays with her hair. Stephen Hawking: You should have. to Stephen Hawking speaking to an auditorium full of scientists listening to him. A display behind him displays the Anomaly. Stephen Hawking: In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it. :crowd applauses him. Professor (standing up): I know this anomaly is terrifying. But as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge, even at the cost of our very lives? to Stephen Hawking: No. to Farnsworth: I say we must mount an expedition to the anomaly forthwith. Wernstrom (standing up): I agree. to Professor: Wernstrom! to Wernstrom: Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can... as he is hit on the head with a pair of dentures. to Professor snapping his fingers at Leela, indicating a replacement is needed. She puts a pair of dentures in his mouth. Professor: Don't listen to that crackpot! Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you. Professor: I'll make you eat those words, you moron! spits his dentures into his hand and prepares to throw them, but Hermes and Leela stop him from doing so. Wernstrom: Ah! himself with his arms. I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation. :dangles a piece of paper above the students, who grasp for it. to Professor: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable. The PE Crew (standing up): Yeah! Wernstrom: Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal. Crowd: Ooh! to Stephen Hawking: Ooh! Professor: Wernstrom, I ought to... :beams hit and freeze both of them in place. We see the beams are coming from Stephen Hawking's eyes. Stephen Hawking: I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science. Professor (sitting down): Very well. :shot of Deathball Arena. The structure is a large sphere with what looks like a wrestling diaper around it. Professor (VO): Let Deathball begin! :['''Scene': A rather boring game of Labyrinth is shown from above. Cut to the ball constantly coming toward the screen, bouncing off walls. Fry appears and runs away from the ball. He dives out of its path. Cut to Zoidberg squeezing against a wall to avoid being hit by a ball. Fry is run over by that same ball as more roll across the screen. Pan and zoom up to a control room where Wernstrom and Professor look down on the game. Farnsworth turns the Horizontal dial to the right and the Deathballers react to the change. Fry slips and slides toward a hole, but Amy saves him. Wernstrom turns the Vertical dial to the left.]'' Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express! Wernstrom: Go even more, my team! [The crowd is cheering. Cut to Hermes running across screen from a ball. Five players from Wernstrom team push a ball into a hole and the hole lights up red. Fry looks at the scoreboard. "Farnsworth': 0 - Wernstrom': 1." A ball heads down a wall toward him.] Fry: Leela, header! prepares to knock it over to Leela, but it easily tramples over him. Cut to Bender smoking a cigar. A ball hits him, but he doesn't move. It bounces off him then hits a wall and rolls into a hole. The hole lights up blue. Cut to the scoreboard: "1-1." Cut to Fry riding on top of a ball. He manoeuvres it around a hole and heads toward an opponent riding another ball. Colleen (with two beers in her hands): Woo hoo! Bust those balls! :and the other player collide balls. The two balls bounce away from each other and momentum carries the two players onto the ball opposite them. They both ride into the holes they previously avoided and fall down with the ball, but catch on to the edge of the hole. The scoreboard reads 2-2. Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good! is run over from behind by a ball. :two teams are battling for a ball, pushing it toward each other. Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder than that! Bender: No crap. My grandmother was a bulldozer. :table flips around 360 degrees and when it levels out seven more balls are introduced to the game. The players lay in the middle of the table and are run over by eleven balls. Two go in for Planet Express, then one runs over a player and goes in for Wernstrom. The scoreboard reads "5-6." :to Wernstrom laughing evilly. Farnsworth growls at him and twists his dial to the left. A ball comes flying through the glass and hits Wernstrom. He flies out the other side with it and rolls into a hole. Another ball lands on top of the ball he is hanging on to. The scoreboard reads "7-6." The crowd cheers and the scoreboard says "GAME OVER" as a buzzer sounds. The PE crew celebrates. to Bender: And thus metal man defeated meat man. The end. :plays are walking toward a tunnel entrance that reads "SHOWERS - Group Rates Available." Colleen: Come here, winner! :and Colleen kiss. Colleen (looking at one of Wernstrom players): Come here, loser! kisses him. Fry (confused): Colleen, what are you doing? My face is over here. Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly! Fry (confused): I thought I was your boyfriend. Colleen: You are. Fry (confused): Well, how can you have two boyfriends? Colleen: Oh, I don't. I have five. more men walk in and stand next to Chu. Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo. :at once. Chu: Nihow. Ndulu: Greetings. Bolt: Pleasure. Fry: But... But... Colleen: Shlomo and Ndulu will help you move your stuff into my apartment tonight. Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy! :kisses the still confused Fry. Fry: Hmm? spits a piece of butterscotch into his hand. Chu: There's my butterscotch. :shot. Pulling back from the Anomaly to Planet Express. :['''Scene': The crew sits around the conference table. Fry still appears dumbfounded.]'' Farnsworth: Congratulations, Deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly! Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom! Farnsworth: No. inserts a crank and turns it to power a hologram of the Anomaly. Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is. Hermes: Not dangerous at all? Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed. Hermes: That is quite dangerous! Farnsworth: Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas! to Enema Bot: Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot. :['''Scene': In the Hangar. Leela is loading Dark Matter into the ship and Bender is carrying a box up the stairs. Fry is sitting at the bottom of the platform Leela stands on.]'' Fry: I don't know what to do, Leela. Should I move in with Colleen and her four other boyfriends? Leela: What are you going to do? Sleep in a big pile like hamsters? Fry: No! It's not like that. Everyone gets his own room and a shelf in the refrigerator. Zoidberg (walking by): Take the deal, Fry! If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake? Amy (with Kif): Only one thing matters, Fry. Do you really love Colleen, like I love my little squeezle? squeezes him and his head expands and eyes expand out of his head. He giggles. Fry: Yeah. I do love her. Kif (high pitched voice): Then things will work out. lets go of him and he contracts to normal size, but one eye remains out. Amy pokes it and it pops back to normal size. to Farnsworth: Whoa! Enema Bot: Double espresso for Philip Fry? Fry (standing up): Sorry, I'm not going on the mission. I'm moving in with Colleen! :at once. Kif: Good for you, Fry. Zoidberg: Hooray! Amy: Alright! Fry: I'll just take that to go. is poured a coffee and it's handed to him. :shot of Planet Express. The roof opens and the PE ship takes off towards the Anomaly. Cut to an exit of the Tube system. A man exits, then Fry exits. He holds out one hand to grab his suitcase and holds his other hand out, but the object he was trying to catch is a futon and it knocks him over and lands on top of him. Fry walks up to an apartment building labelled "Upscale Human Domicile #2487." He drops his futon from his hand and pushes button number 34. A wide shot of many similar buildings shows one start to drop into the ground. People scream, increasing in volume the longer they move. The building stops moving and the doors slide open to reveal Colleen waiting for Fry. Colleen: Yay! hugs Fry. Welcome to your new home! Fry: Thanks, Colleen. And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before. walk through the doors. I'm just happy to be here with you. :both stop, Fry's eyes widen when he sees the four other men eating cake. Ndulu: Want a slice of delicious cake? :['''Scene': A shot of the Anomaly. After a few seconds the PE ship is seen cruising towards it.]'' Bender(VO): (Gasps) The anomaly! :to an interior shot of the ship. Hermes and Amy are sitting on the couch. Amy: It's so anomalous. Hermes: I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads! :monitors show static and then Wernstrom appears on both screens. Farnsworth: Wernstrom! Wernstrom: Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see... Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner. Hermes (saluting Farnsworth): Yes, sir! drops his pants and grasps the phone between his buttocks. Wernstrom: No, not the crack slam! slams the phone down and the screen goes to static. :['''Scene' Colleen is making homemade wine in a device called "Mr. Wino" that looks similar to a coffee machine. A vine of grapes goes in the top slot and a bottle goes under that. She pushes a button and red wine is injected into the bottle. When it is full, a nozzle spins and the bottle is corked. She turns around with the bottle and opens it with a corkscrew. She walks over to the dinner table to the five waiting men.]'' Colleen: Oh, my life rocks. pours the wine into six glasses. I've got good wine, five sweethearts, and today, I was promoted to Chief of Police. Fry (toasting Colleen): Here's to you. Chu: Me? Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast. Chu: Sorry. Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes I think I... Ndulu: Thank you. Fry: I'm not talking to you! Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you, either. Schlomo: Will everyone be quiet a little? I want to hear what he has to say! Fry: Thank you. Schlomo: Not you, you Verstinkener. You're just here 'cause she likes cave men from the stupid ages. Bolt: Oh, look who's talking. You're just here 'cause she got matzoh fever. Ndulu: So, what's the explanation for you, moron fever? (laughs) Colleen: Enough! All of you! I love you. Most people in this world don't have what we have. Let's just be grateful, okay? ALL: Yeah. Chu: Yeah, you're right. Fry: So, Colleen, you look really nice. Colleen: Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date. car horn honks. Colleen runs toward the door. There he is. Don't wait up! Fry (angrily): That's it. I thought I was okay with this, but I'm not. I'm breaking up with you! score is played. Colleen looks as Fry sadly and he retains his anger. Ndulu: Me? :['''Scene': The PE ship arrives at the anomaly. Cut to an interior shot of the ship. Zoidberg nervously has his claws in his mouth while Amy and Hermes whimper. Bender whimpers as well and constantly shakes. He then drops one brick, then five more in the shape of a pyramid between his legs.]'' Bender (stammering): Why are we risking our lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? looks over at the crew, who are expectedly staring back at him. What's everybody looking at me for? :shot of the PE ship next to the anomaly. Interior shot of Bender walking into an airlock on the ship with a machine slung around his shoulder with a strap. Bender: "Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks." Leela: Really? Bender: Well, it's 30 bucks, and there's a $10-mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings. Hermes: The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin mon. It's just a cartoon for babies. Bender: Oh, yeah? Then how come when I was a kid, I had a whole sticker book of them? airlock doors shut and Bender's voice is muffled. Answer that with your precious logic. :shot of the ship. A plank extends from the airlock door to the edge of the anomaly and the door opens. Bender walks out onto the plank and holds out something that is connected to the machine he has. Bender (within inches of the anomaly): Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. (yelling) Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal... thrusts his ass into the anomaly, but he and the ship are shot away from it by a pink blast. Everybody is screaming and bricks fall out of Bender. :TO BE CONTINUED... :Credits. Category:Season 5 Scripts Category:Movie Transcripts Category:Transcripts